It's Poison!

Your office culture can kill you or, at best,  threaten to kill you. It might be a toxic coworker. It might be an unrealistic boss with a God complex. It might be the rules of a reporting structure. You know….the food chain of Corporate America. Some office cultures employ a very strict “do what I say if I have a bigger title” mentality.  That kind of thinking can be taken to ridiculous,  hilarious and even dangerous extremes.

We had a tradition at the office for donuts on Friday. Every Friday another person would be responsible for bringing a breakfast item (donuts, bagels, danish, etc). It was a nice perk. You always knew there would be a little nosh for your morning coffee on Fridays.  One day the donuts showed up on Thursday. Being the naive, trusting person that I am I immediately surveyed the donut options….who I am kidding? I was just thinking “Awesome!! TWO days of donuts!!” I’m just about to swoop in on a lovely maple when I hear someone clearing their throat. I look up to see a caring coworker wagging her finger at me “You don’t want to eat that” she says.

“Wow Laura, that is so sweet of you. You know I’m trying to watch what I eat. You’re right. I don’t need that donut”, I smile.

“No silly. You can’t eat that”

“Um…why?”

At this point, Laura looks over her shoulder and down a couple of cubicle halls while pulling me into a small conference room and shutting the door. With her back to the door, she says “Because we don’t know where they came from” in a low voice.

“What?”

“Ok, you didn’t hear it from me but last night someone left these donuts with the night guard. No name. No business card. Nothing.”

I am still clearly not getting it. Is someone trying to poison us with blueberry cakes and jelly donuts? Is there something I’m missing? “Ok….” I reply slowly still not comprehending.

“So I wouldn’t trust where they came from. You know this company has had some layoffs and they might be from a disgruntled employee or some unhappy customer or who KNOWS who left them. No one called to say they sent them.”

“Let me get this straight….you think someone is trying to poison us with Dunkin Donuts?”

“Absolutely. I think you shouldn’t eat the donuts. They’re dangerous”

“If you’re theory is correct then why did we put them out?”

“Because we don’t want to get in trouble. We were told to put them out”

I can’t even tell you how confused I was at this point. In fact, I had to find out for myself how the dangerous donuts made it to us and a decision was made to throw caution to the wind and allow them to be served to our staff. If we felt they were that dangerous why didn’t we just throw them away? I’m confused. Very confused. Are you?

Stay tuned…

Perhaps this is what he had in mind...

South Florida is an amazing melting pot of cultures and people. From time to time, we manage to communicate the spirit of what we’re trying to communicate but not the exact wording. Like the business associate who told me he wanted to learn about our services. All of them. He wanted….

THE WHOLE NINE JARS

Her: There’s a reason I dress like this. It’s so people won’t ask me questions about math.

Him: I hate to tell you but that strategy has an expiration date…and you’ve already passed it.

For January 2011 here are some of the top phrases that resulted in some poor soul landing on my blog. And when I say “top”  I mean “one”. See? Not statistically significant.

Queen of Drama: Anyone who knows me might say this is a good description of me – at times.

Truly Nolen Dress code: I did the Mousecar Parade with the nice folks at Truly Nolen a few months back. Thanks to @fsutoby for inviting me. I hardly think this qualifies me to recommend a dress code. This person was probably very confused.

HR Memos: This is a hot topic. There are actually a few variations on this theme including one user who searched “hr memo no party allowed”. Wow. That is sounds like a pretty crappy memo. IMHO, people are pretty frustrated with their professional lives right now and that frustration results in a tide wave of comedy. How else are you going to let off all that steam? Find the humor people!

Catty corner closet: I think this is a bad idea in closet design. Don’t do it. Stop searching for it. You’ll never be able to reach anything in the back of a closet that is designed in a corner.

Catty wall in: No comment. I have no freaking clue what this moron is looking for.

Until next month….keep searching!

She’s had some strange tenants over the years but lately a string of evictions has got her at wit’s end. After the latest nutbar vacated the premises (and when I say after I mean – after the court order and the sheriff escort), my friend starting interviewing new tenants.

Over dinner one night she starts to tell me about her lovely new tenants who are, according to my friend,  just great. “I really like them” she gushes.

“I would almost prefer you don’t like them so much. It will make it easier for you to collect rent and kick them out when and if  the time comes” I reply.

“Did  you check their credit?”

“Not yet”

My eyes roll.

Her husband, seizing the opportunity says “Tell her about the interview” while giving me a wink. I can’t imagine what’s coming. I know it must be good if he’s encouraging her to tell me this point. While interviewing the couple, my friend asks if they have had any evictions.

“Well, about 20 years ago, I did some time for a felony charge. It was a real long time ago though. I got an early parole. I was only in the slammer for a few months. I haven’t had any real trouble with the law since then”

My friend’s expression must have betrayed her surprise so the girlfriend discreetly leans over to save the day.

“No honey, she said EVICTIONS not CONVICTIONS”

So….since you mentioned it.

The Girl Who Sang Dress You Up In My Love by Madonna

Hubby looks up and says: What the hell song is that?

I reply by humming a few bars in key. Hubby says. “Holy crap, that was completely unrecognizable.” Hubby and I think Stephen Tyler should have played the Simon card and said “Sweetie, you pay a voice coach, right? Do you have another hobby? Because I would suggest you stop paying her. She’s a horrible voice coach” Of course the girl said it wasn’t her singing that was the problem. It was her accent.

The Girl Who Is from Kosovo

There is a shot of her sitting with an older man for  the typical “Idol interview”  which is a pretty good indication she’s “Going to Hollywood!” Seacrest says something like “I understand you’ve come a long way. How did you get here?”  Hubby pauses the TiVo (because that’s what we do when want to offer some color commentary) I look at hubby and in my best deep Russian accent voice say “I buy her from internet for twenty-dollar”

Do you watch Idol? Did anything strike you as particularly funny last night?

I love shoes Publix cake: I don’t know if they make that cake but may I suggest the Barbie cake?

It’s all about me bowls: Seriously? You want a bowl that says this? So when you get to the bottom of your Cheerios you can read this clever quip? Try making your own at Color Me Mine. You can make whatever you want. And shoe cake girl can make one with shoes on it. I’ll set you up.

How to address perfume in the workplace: My answer? Send a memo to the whole company.

How to divide coworkers on their birthday: Well… that’s just mean.

accidental flirting: Apparently this IS a topic that requires more web guidance. Who knew.

naked sex, dick: WTH????!!! I bet this person was REALLY disappointed when they landed on my blog

catty corner cakes: another cake shopper!?!! I have no idea what this one is looking for. Perhaps this is what she had in mind…

Catty Cake?

what a man’s dog says about him: I have no idea on this one

michael scott quotes: Now that’s kinda funny

catty baby blog: Man if your baby is catty AND she has a blog….Ohhhh you meant cat babies? Yes. I get it now. FYI for future reference…They’re called “kittens”

” I’m not going to lick a box”

Uttered innocently by a staffer when presented with a suggestion for a Yankee Gift Swap strategy. The suggestion was that if you received a gift that you really liked and didn’t want to give it up then all you had to do was “lick the box”. The idea being that people would be so germ phobic and generally disgusted by your behavior that you would get to keep your gift.

Of course, when taken out of context, it becomes much funnier, don’t you think?

The $2 bill: It’s a collector’s item and, today only,  you can get TWO $2 bills for $10 instead of the suggested retail price of $30 each. Sounds like a deal, right? You can get $4 worth of cash and you pay only $10.

The 911 coin: Another collector’s item. Apparently, the manufacturers have recast  this coin with silver found in a bank vault on Ground Zero.  Add a little 24K gold and you’ve got yourself a coin. Depressing. Sick. And….. they’re making a buck.

The $50 Gold Buffalo Coin: Another collector’s item and, of course, for you it’s only $19.95.I guess at least this one is less out-of-pocket. Not like that $2 bill deal.

But my favorite “worst” commercial, by far, is for Pajama Jeans. Do you love stylish sexy jeans? Do you love soft , comfortable pajamas? Be a fashion sensation with the pajama jean – the best of both worlds!

What do these commercials say about the AMC audience? Hmmmm….

A professional actress in Los Angeles for 12 years, while I did consulting work as a financial analyst. I am a member of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists (AFTRA). I actually appeared on two game shows, winning $15,000, a trip the Bahamas, a suntan bed and a years supply of popcorn.

Note: This person is an Interactive Marketing professional. I guess her diverse background as an actress-slash-financial planner is a selling point in her crunked mind. I know I look for SAG members when hiring interactive talent. Even better? The game show winnings….a year’s supply of popcorn? Yes indeed very critical when promoting your job skills online.